Or anyone in leadership at your church, but especially your pastor.
‘Cause it will happen. You will not find a pastor or church with whom you completely and totally see eye-to-eye. If you think you do, you probably just don’t know what it is you disagree about yet.
I’ve been at my church for about five years. I’ve been on staff for a couple years now. It changes things. Sometimes for the better, sometimes it just makes things more difficult. One thing that changes (and whether it’s for better or worse depends on your people) is seeing the leadership and the pastor “behind the scenes.” On Monday.
And that has changed how I deal with disagreements. And it seems to be working a lot better, so I thought I’d share. Whether it’s instrumentation on the worship team, theology, mission statements, people selected for leadership, where the coffee beans come from … this might help you.
Step 1
Shut up. Seriously, don’t tell anyone just yet. Several reasons: (1) It’s gossip and it’s not Matthew 18. (2) If you’re wrong, it’ll save you from looking like a doofus in the near future. (3) You need to wait until you’re not frustrated or angry to talk to even the right person anyway.
Step 2
Don’t stop going to church. Remember that Divide And Conquer is the oldest play in the book, and that wolves tend to separate a sheep from the flock to take it down. Don’t give way to offense, and don’t let it become an excuse for your own spiritual anemia (and that of your family).
Step 3
Pray. In. Humility. This part is key. The whole of your prayer on the issue should not be focused on the leader you disagree with, and it should not be your singular request that the Holy Spirit open the blind eyes of said leader to his or her heathenistic ways.
Instead, ask Holy Spirit to reveal the truth to whomever needs to see it. Ask that, if leadership is right, your heart be softened, your agendas exposed so you can repent of them, and your eyes opened. Then ask that if you are right, Holy Spirit would speak to that leader and convict or guide him or her as needed.
Step 4
Honestly, you’ll probably never get this far. I’m typing this paragraph to humor you. If nothing changes after weeks or months of prayer (not hours or days) and if – in total humility, submission, and the fear of the Lord – you feel something must be said, read Matthew 18 and do it that way.
Afterward
If you pray in sincerity and speak in love, and nothing changes – pray some more. It is unlikely that it is some sort of sign that you should leave that congregation. (If this is the next thing in a long line of issues you have with the leadership, then, by all means find a local church that better suits you.)
You might be surprised how often your disagreement is settled at Step 3.
We like to think, in these seasons, that we have been placed in a particular congregation to reform it or root out some evil. But that’s not generally how God works. That’s arrogance. God raises up leaders; the devil raises up cancers. We need to remember that all authority comes from God, that even when David knew he was the next king over Israel he did not allow his men to harm King Saul – “God’s elect.”
God promotes men and gives them the vision and the Spiritual giftings to carry out their tasks. If you support the vision that God has given your pastor for a local church, then support it – even if you don’t love one detail. If you can’t, go find one you can.
Love this one, Lex! This stuff is soooo hard for people like me who tend to have fairly strong opinions (usually to battle against stuff that looks like things that have personally hurt me in the past). Trusting God to speak to his appointed leadership over the local church is a total litmus test for how much I’m walking in faith at any given point.
I’m unreasonably opinionated myself, so believe me when I say I know how hard it is. 🙂 I’m learning though that if I don’t trust God’s leaders, it’s like I don’t trust His leadership, and that is often a bad place to be.
Hebrews 13:17 // Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.
This is great. I need to tape this to my forehead. 🙂
what do you do if demands are made of a whole congregation, and some are physically unable to comply?
I can’t imagine what kind of physical demands a pastor would have the right to make of a congregation. Ephesians 4 tells us that some people are called to different roles of ministry to (1) equip and (2) edify/encourage the congregation. If a pastor is making “demands” that are unbiblical, follow Matthew 18.
Matthew 18:15 says to address the offending person alone. Ask your pastor for a meeting at his convenience, and – at the meeting – respectfully express your concern. Is this easy to do? Of course not. It’s awkward and nerve-wracking, but it’s how we’re supposed to proceed. If it helps, write a letter and read it at the meeting – you’re less likely to be interrupted or forget anything.
Matthew 18:16 says that if he doesn’t hear you, take a couple trusted people with you. Express your concern discretely to others in leadership who you feel will be honest and unbiased, and, together, address the pastor again as above. (It may, also, be that – if YOU are wrong – these other leaders will be able to correct you and perhaps explain things better than the pastor did.)
If that doesn’t work, the next verse says to tell the church, etc., but if you’re not in leadership that can easily become gossip and church splits. If you talk to your pastor and other leadership, and come to no agreement, then you need to pray and determine how important the issue is.
If you can agree to disagree, and otherwise continue in fellowship and the “unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace,” then do so. The grass is always greener on the other side, but the truth is you will probably never find a church/pastor with whom you agree 100% on everything. If this ministry is working to fulfill the great commission, and discipling you, then it’s okay to disagree on non-essentials in favor of supporting God’s work.
Thanks. The demands are not unbiblical at all- and yes, I am very familiar with Matthew 18. A new assistant Pastor is an evangelist. Suddenly all cell groups were shut down and new groups were created in each suburb.The new plan was presented and I was shocked to hear that instead of meeting to pray, worship and study the Word, we are to do evangelistic activities each week like prayer walking every street [at night and coming into Winter [ NZ] inviting people in our street to dinner, going on outreach into malls or markets, etc. For older people in Rest Homes, young parents with children wakeful through the night, or over 60’s who have simply not got any energy left by evening- this whole new program is daunting indeed. The Pastor and his wife have been to visit me and I have explained that I am advocating for a number, not just for myself. I believe he will take the concerns and address them.I thought cell groups [ home groups] were for the building up and edifying of the saints- obviously an evangelist has very different ideas. What is essential for me, is not for him. We can agree to differ, yes- but it remains to be seen if the older folk will be able to participate in this flurry of activity.It’s all too much for me. I am already stretched to the max fulfilling the purpose of Christ for my life with His grace and strength- I can’t also fulfil the demands of an evangelist.
Sounds like you’re doing well with it, then. Hopefully some agreement can be reached that will hopefully include cell groups for worship/study AND for evangelism.
And hopefully, through the new Assistant Pastor’s passion, other people in the congregation (who are physically able, of course) will start to understand their role in fulfilling the great commission as well! 🙂 A lot of people NEED that little push to get them out sharing the gospel and inviting people to church. It seems scary at first, but once we’re almost made to do it, we realize how not scary – and, in fact – how rewarding it is.
I’m really glad you wrote on this topic. I have recently had a heartbreaking experience in that the church that my family has been a part of for 50 years has had a pastor for the past 3 years who doesn’t believe in women in ministry. Our church has always been moderate in that area, and had women deacons before it was cool. My sister is active in a state women’s organization that has been “cast aside” by the denomination. This minister made it impossible for her to do her ministry in that church any longer, and was deceitful and untruthful about the issues. So my family and extended family and friends are leaving. Others in the congregation revere him, and I don’t begrudge that. I am happy they are able to worship and feel God’s presence. But it is painful to see my family basically cast aside. My dad even had a heart attack the week after resigning as a deacon. I am so very, very heartbroken-our church of 50+ years has basically been hijacked, and there is nothing we can do. They have found a church they like, and they will go on serving and worshipping-just grieving!
I’m sorry to hear about your experience.
While I don’t believe that the scriptures teach against women in ministry, I can’t fault a pastor or church for adhering to what they genuinely believe to be the teaching of scripture. That the actions of leadership were “deceitful” and “untruthful,” however, is unfortunate, and I wish I could apologize on others’ behalves.
I only hope and pray that your gentle attitude – evidenced in not begrudging other’s respect for the pastor – would continue during this difficult time. Your family and friends need to be a part of a ministry they can support, but I hope you will all be able to make the transition in humility, grace and love. There are differences in the body of Christ but we all need to remember that – even if we’ve been hurt – we’re still all on the same side. It’s not easy to return evil with peace, but it’s our commission.
I have begun to have a great mistrust of ministers-not anything purposeful or intentional, just a down deep gut feeling that is similar to what someone might have who has been emotionally abused. It is very sad, because I love the church, and I do believe that God has placed certain people in authority, but when those people abuse their power and try to dictate, I just believe we are to discern that that is not of God. I am capable of a humble and submissive spirit, but I also do not believe that every man in the pulpit is all powerful or always gets it right.
I am sorry for being a downer here, I am usually a very upbeat person, I am just heartbroken over losing our church to a man who wants total authority.
Your heartache is completely understandable. And, of course, no one – in the pulpit or the pew – is all-powerful or always gets it right. In the case of abuse it is always our job as believers to use wisdom and discernment to make the best decisions for our families and our discipleship efforts.
I hope and pray that as your family and friends find a good church – with a pastor who is a man of integrity and full of the Holy Spirit – and God heals that wound, that you would find freedom in forgiveness. As God restores you all, I hope the general mistrust of ministers would ebb away as well. It’s true that too many people have been victims of unkind, abusive people in ministry roles, but the truth is that most are honest, kind, God-fearing men and woman. They’re not perfect, and they’re not always right, but most of them deserve the benefit of the doubt, and our prayers and support.
Thanks Lex, I appreciate your thoughts and insights.
Our Pastor for the last 5 years and the deacons and trustees of the church have had terrible disagreements. It has greatly affected the congregation to the point of verbal battles at our quarterly meetings. Many members and leaders have left. A few join but do not stay. The budget is one of the main issues. The pastor’s salary as well as other salaries/wages make up more than half of the yearly budget.In the past we were taught about how to take care of your pastor. Many material request have been made from the pastor of things he desires. Yet, the the income of the congregation has changed due to the economy. Many have stopped giving as they were giving because most of the funds have gone towards salaries/wages instead of evangelism and care for the body. Some families have been assisted but they have been asked is this a loan or a grant. Many are no longer involved in ministry (Bible study,choir,dance etc.)What suggestions do you have? We have prayed and continue to pray.
I’m terrible at advice, but Matthew 18, I think, applies to leadership as well.
Verse 15 tells us to address the person privately, and I think sometimes this step gets skipped. Just because an issue is public doesn’t mean that verse 15 gets overlooked. If you, personally, have not addressed your pastor privately about the issue, set up an appointment. Not to yell and accuse, but to speak on the matter in humility and love for him and your church.
Verse 16 and 17 tell us to increase the witness, if the offender refuses to hear wisdom. If he still refuses, “let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”
If you have tried to reach him, and he refuses to hear, prayerfully consider finding a new congregation that you can become a part of. If you do leave, don’t make a huge deal out of it. Meet with your current pastor, explain what you’re doing and why, wish him well, and determine never to speak evil of him. He is still someone else’s servant. (Rom 14:4)
I have been having difficulties, trusting/believing my ministers motives or heart towards me. . The church congregation, lelderss, community, love me and my ministry, and have wanted me to become a qualified leader, for a long time now.
In favt the bishop of our denomination, has wanted to see me in ministry for three years now. However, my minister, has dragged his feet, made excuses, failed to shepherd me, mentor me, pray with me, walk with me through my issues and although he has started the process, of allowing me to become a credentialed minister, I think he has done so under duress.
Another issue has just arisen and I am at the end of ny tether. I just don’t believe a word he says. I try to believe he has my best interest at heart, but when the rubber hits the road, when issues arise, my default or instinct is that I don’t trust him, I don’t respect him. Is this something I should work through, can you learn to trust someone you don’t respect. Should I stay or should I leave the church?
Jaxanne – Whether you stay or leave the church is entirely between you and God, and I wouldn’t dare step into that decision. Jesus said that His sheep would hear His voice, and would not be led astray by the voice of another. Prayerfully submit your question, and He will direct you.
Some other things to consider: Matthew 18 teaches us that if a brother offends us, we are to talk to him/her about it personally and privately. If you feel like your pastor is being uncooperative because of some personal issue, then you should schedule a meeting and discuss it. I know that takes a bit of boldness with anyone, especially your pastor, but if you ARE in fact ready to be a ministry leader, then this is something you’re going to have to do a lot anyway.
Go with an open and humble heart and ask if you have offended him in the past, or if there is something that he sees in you that makes him think you are not qualified for leadership. A pastor is given spiritual authority over his flock, not the congregation or community – or even the elders, over the authority of the pastor. If God is going to speak to someone about promoting an individual, it’s going to be the pastor. It may be that he doesn’t think you’re ready, and you should find out why so you can work with the Holy Spirit to fix it.
It also may simply be that your pastor is busy, and doesn’t necessarily think this promotion is a priority. No one really knows how pressing the demands of a ministry leader are except his inner circle. He probably has a lot on his mind, and it may be that this situation isn’t as urgent as some other things that you don’t know about.
As for not trusting him, you need to take a step back and ask yourself why you don’t trust him. Is it because this delay has sown a little bitterness in your heart toward him? If so, not a valid reason. If he is teaching or saying unbiblical things, then, again, you need to express your concern. Matthew 18 says if he hears you, great, you’ve gained a brother, and if he doesn’t, then there’s nothing else you can do.
Trust is something that a person has to earn from other people. I don’t think you can teach yourself to trust someone. He has to prove himself. Respect, however, in the kingdom of God, does not need to be earned. He is in authority, and scripture teaches us that ALL authority comes from God. Whether or not you understand why this man was chosen for this authority is not your concern. To respect God’s headship, you must respect your pastor’s.
You can be respectful without trusting, or even submitting to, someone. There is a respectful way to have the conversation that Matthew 18 orders. There is a respectful way to humble yourself and submit to biblical leadership, and there is a respectful way to move out of a ministry if the leadership is unbiblical.
God will give you wisdom, James 1 promises. Just be obedient to it.
Hello,
I randomly found your website and I am enjoying it so far! Well let me fill you in on my situation.
Myself (and some loved ones of mine) will be meeting with our Pastor tomorrow morning before the service starts to discuss some things. I’m a little nervous because I am planning to leave the church and I’ll be telling him this.
*My* biggest personal issue is the CONSTANT forcing of the Pastor’s politics onto his congregation. It turns my stomach and I’m done swallowing things that I do not agree with. I attend church to hear messages about GOD, not messages about your own PERSONAL beliefs! Also, if you’re going to discuss politics, at least have your facts straight! And you need to be FAIR – don’t twist things around and LIE and try to brainwash people into believing something that is false simply because you YOURSELF want certain people in office. And don’t DARE try to use a scripture to push your agenda onto people when the scripture you quoted doesn’t even match up with the point you made. Nuts!
I love my Pastor. I’ve been at this church for 3 years. I’m always kind and respectful towards him and I intend to remain that way with him. However, I cannot stand this nonsense anymore. He’s aware that I differ with him on politics. And his wife and I had a very in-depth conversation about this a few weeks back and she seemed unmoved. Is it not common sense to leave politics out of public discussion unless you want trouble on your hands?? It’s rather immature to assume that everyone in your congregation supports this or wants to hear this on a regular.
Lastly, the Pastor’s son & his fiance give dirty looks to some of my loved ones and other members of the church and the Pastor hasn’t spoken with them about this — it’s not okay to make ANYONE feel unwelcome in a CHURCH. The Pastor’s wife would mostly ignore me everytime she saw me until a few months ago when I asked her about that. She said “I’m just tired, been working alot. You know I love you”. I gave her the benefit of the doubt then, but now…I’m thinking she was just making excuses. She’ll speak now but it feels somewhat forced. I believe now that her family (including the Pastor) have a hard time relating to and understanding people of other races/cultures. They are white and from Texas. They moved here to Ohio and this church has many black & white members. We all get along great for the most part, which I’ve loved! But there are some hidden undertones (and assumptions) in regard to race with the Pastor’s family that are coming to the light now and his politics play a role in this. Thus, pushing me to leave and go elsewhere.
There a couple of other things that occurred that put the nail in the coffin for me. But I’ll stop here.
What are your thoughts Lex? Any insight to offer?
Hey. Sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier. How did the meeting with that pastor go?
You’re a protestant yeah? Well maybe you should do a bit more reading on your own religion before you go disagreeing with him/her, because the fact that you’re asking this makes me a little concerned about your ability to intelligently disagree with someone who’s been to seminary and studies the Bible regularly. Luther and the other founders of protestantism encouraged every man and woman to come up with their own interpretation of the bible and Gods will, but not to give ill informed opinions. You need to read The Bible and other religious thinkers thoughts on it before you go disagreeing with someone who is so well informed. Individualism is encouraged in protestantism, but not ignorance. If you don’t have the time or the will to inform yourself, you should probably just take his word for it, since its what he does for a living. You wouldn’t disagree with a doctor if you didn’t know anything about medicine. Read read read.
Thanks for the comment, Jason. I have to wonder if you took your own advice and actually read read read my post. It’s not really about whether or not to, or how to, have a theological disagreement with a pastor.
You seem to assume that the person who doesn’t agree is some ill-informed, arrogant laity. I’m assuming that the person who disagrees has listened to his pastor, studied the scripture, etc. I definitely agree that most pastors are more studied and more well informed, and that the rest of us definitely should read read read, and study and all the rest.
I don’t even know that it’s limited to theological debates. Several of the above comments have had more to do with policies and procedures at local churches that people don’t want to be a part of. And that’s fine.
But the fact remains that there will be disagreements, and people will leave churches. I wasn’t trying to weigh in on whether or not it should happen, but – from the position of a church staffer who has seen people do it well, and do it ugly – how to do it if someone is going to.
I was terribly hurt by my pastor many years ago. My daughter had been going through some difficult times (her very best friend, they started in the nursery together, suddenly and without explanation dropped her friendship) This devastated her (she was 13) In an attempt to reconcile them we tried talking to the parents, who also dropped friendship with us for unexplained reasons. We took it to our pastor, who advised us to pray about the matter. In the meantime, we saw our own preacher take steps away from us and more toward his friend since high school, a deacon, and also the parent of the former best friend. Little by little communication ceased until there was barely a “have a nice day” as we were leaving the church on Sundays. Many others, who were close friends of this family have also taken steps away without explanation. It only feels like a type of judgement. I have absolutely no idea why this happened and to this day, no explanation or encouragement or correction has come from my pastor. I have no idea what has caused this situation. I don’t know if I have erred in any way or what. I have continued to attend church there and serve in the capacities that I have been led to serve, mainly because I agree doctrinally and there is no other church in my area that I feel able to agree with wholeheartedly. I have prayed for grace to accept this situation and to be led in what to do. I cannot understand the situation and it has started to become so hurtful, I may have to leave anyway just because I am feeling outcast and estranged. I am trying to stay faithful, but this hurt is becoming simply unbearable.
Laura,
I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s sad when church leadership doesn’t behave appropriately, but we do need to remember that church leaders are still just people. Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone makes mistakes.
That said, Jesus gives pretty clear instruction on what to do in this kind of situation:
Matthew 18:15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.
Our culture is very non-confrontational, so this seems really awkward, but I promise you I have seen impossible relationships healed when it was obeyed and simple misunderstandings destroy people when it was ignored.
I HIGHLY encourage you – with your husband, if you have one – to ask your pastor for a private meeting at his convenience, and just explain your hurt. Tell him you’re not sure why or how this happened, but it’s bothering you. If he brushes it off, ask to meet with the pastor and another leader or two from your church, and say it again.
It may very well be that they feel awkward and uncomfortable too, and they just don’t know how to approach you. You might sit down and all be very relieved that you finally addressed the elephant in the room, and now you can move on.
Praying for your family and your situation. God gives wisdom to those who ask. You can do this. 🙂